There IS Hope

Not long after having posted below, and having accepted the reality that He wasn't coming home, I focused on all the things I had to do. Sorting out the bills, the insurance, I focused on throwing myself into work and "getting on with my life."

I started seeing someone else. And for a time, things were OK.

But God brought me to where I needed to be. He made me realize that what I was doing was adultery. Not because we were only separated, but because I had pledged my life to my husband 'til death before the Lord, and that no decision my husband, or any courtroom made would ever negate the covenant I entered into with my husband before God.

Looking back, I can see the seeds that were planted, and how He brought them to bud in a way only He can, so that when I sought counselling my heart was ready to hear that there was hope for my seemingly dead marriage. Thank you Lord for how far you have brought me.

I soon plugged into Rejoice Marriage Ministries at rejoiceministries.org where I found hope in the story of a restored marriage after far worse struggles than what we had gone through.

Today marks one year that he's been gone. The silence was the worst. Not knowing where he was, or if he was OK. The truth that the world doesn't tell you is that when you marry, that covenant is meant to last a lifetime, and that you aren't meant to be apart. It really is true that you become one flesh, and so the dull ache of missing him is always there. But after a year of growing in the Lord, and learning to trust Him to meet my needs, learning to believe in and trust that His promises are true, the intensity is gone. It's been replaced by a calm assurance that my Lord will to what He says He'll do. Isaiah 54 is the promise the Lord gave me shortly after he left. It shocked me that the Bible had anything like that in it, since it was almost exactly my story.

My husband is almost home. My Lord is speaking to him daily. We are now in contact at least weekly, and are now able to have pleasant visits a few times a month. God is so good. I spent months on  my knees, crying out to Him. There were (and are) days that the pain is so bad I feel it might crush me. (Going out on a limb here and quoting Scrubs.) Days I needed A BOX OF KITTENS! STAT!!

It's been one hell of a year. But I refuse to mildly hand my marriage over to the enemy to destroy. I refuse. I will stand on the promises of my Lord and I will honour Him and my husband just as I promised. 'Til death.

“Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. For your Maker is your husband – the Lord Almighty is his name – the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. The Lord will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit – a wife who married young, only to be rejected,” says your God. “For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring you back.”  Isaiah 54:4-7

No longer will they call you Deserted, or name your land Desolate. But you will be called Hephzibah, and your land Beulah; for the Lord will take delight in you, and your land will be married.  Isaiah 62:4

If you're feeling that kind of pain right now and are searching for an answer, seek the Lord, read His word, plug into RMM's devotions. My prayer for you is simple. And it's scripture, which being the Word of God has far more power than anything I could ever say.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him that you may overflow with hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." Rom 15:13 

What to do when your husband leaves you.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

It is with greatest pride and deepest pleasure that we welcome you tonight.
Welcome to my return to the world of online venting.
I fully anticipate an onslaught of incoherent postings outlining the changes that come with any great loss.
The beautiful thing about these sites is the anonymity; your ability to be completely honest and incite discussion with those few of you reading this regarding how in the hell to deal with the things throw at us every now and then in life.

Life as a separated Christian woman isn't easy.

He and I

I really thought that we would be the ones to be together forever. I love him with everything I am. He was away for several months with the armed forces. I never thought he would come home from this to inform me, without any ado, that he was leaving me. He didn't want to be married anymore. He didn't want me anymore.

What you need to know about me is that when I was 6, my mom committed suicide. You want an inferiority complex and abandonment issues, the belief that you are worthless and not worth loving; that's the way to go about it.

Death is one thing. When it's tragic and sudden. And sweeps us away in a wave of disbelief that life can ever go on. I remember thinking, "How dare life go on." after Peter (a very close father figure) died. It felt wrong that everything could just continue to move forward, that time passed, that there were people out there just living their everyday lives while I was sitting there in complete anguish that this life had been taken. How could life go on without him?

But when someone who is supposed to be there to love and support you chooses to leave you behind.
That their life has so little meaning, significance and worth that you are not even worth choosing to stay alive for... That leaves scars that without God's grace will never really heal. Trust me. After years of prayer, contemplation and revelation, I still feel the effects of that decision in the way I see myself, the way I act and who I am every day. And that's crazy. That one simple decision made by one woman I barely remember 17 years ago could possibly have such long-term impacts is just insane.

But this... this is something else entirely.
Separation for me has felt the same as a death, it's this huge loss, this huge hole left behind in a place you thought was secure. In this person on whom you thought you could depend. The life you've spent years building is now thrown under the bus. The plans, the pointless fights over money, the dreams, the stupid cruise vacation plans, the months spent searching for jobs after multiple seasonal job layoffs, the time spent supporting each other while we finished school to be able to move forward and do the things we'd dreamed of. Missions have always been very important to me. As a nurse, I'm a sucker for a lost cause, or a lost kitten, a bleeding heart as they say. It's the reason I became a nurse. To go out there and be able to bring something more to the world than "I'm going to work and live as a mindless consumer" I want my life to mean more than that. That's still who I am, but we had made plans to do it together.

How can he even do this? He knows how much it will wreck me. I don't understand any of this.
I don't want him to go. I keep expecting him to walk in, say, "This is stupid, can we start over? I want to come home." But he's got it into his head that there's something out there he's missing out on.

We married young. And that's part of the problem I think. We both wanted it. But he had never lived out there on his own. And now, two years into our life together, after his experience living independently with the military, he wonders what else there is to life.

I imagine that a few months from now, he'll have lived a few things. Have had to straighten out his reckless spending, have "lived a little" and he'll drop onto my doorstep having realized that this is what he wants after all.

It's been two weeks since he informed me in no uncertain terms that he no longer had any desire to be married.

I'm a wreck. Thankfully, we only have fur babies. Toast, our pug-beagle is having an especially hard time coping to life without his daddy. Thankfully, I'll be sending Toast to live with him, I just spent all summer with the dog and have come to rely on him quite a bit for emotional support and company at night making sleeping in an empty bed a little less lonely. But the truth is that I need to get used to being alone. That the dog shouldn't be my crutch.

Let's be honest here. We're both used to his being away. But the reality that he will never be coming home hasn't quite sunk in just yet.

When the dog smells,
when the cat purrs,
when I'm feeling sad.
I simply remember
how much I hate soap
and then I don't feel so bad.
KD 2009.

Bonjour tout le monde. ca fait ben longtemps que je ne vous aye rien dit. :D Ca me plait un peut trops de vous informez que je suis en amour. C'est la premiere fois que je peut honnetement concevoir ces sentiments. Il est incroyable, et il m'aime comme je ne croyait pas possible. Il me donne de l'espoir pour le futur, et puis ensemble, nous allons etre guerriers de Dieu, avec lui a mes cotes, je peut accomplir n'importe quoi. C'est presque irreel que je suis si contente. J'apprecie le fait de faire deja parti de sa famille. Meme si je n'ai jamais rencontree son pere. Ce jour arrive. <3 C'est impossible de decrire mon delire. Il est ma coccinelle et puis je suis maintenant un "fromage grille" et j'espere de passer le restant de mes jous avec ce jeune homme. Mais, cette decision n'est pas dans mes mains; ca depend comment longtemps il prend avant d' acquerir le courage de me demander, et Sa Vonlonte. C'est pour de vrai. Et je rejouit. :D
Bonne Chance, Merde, et grand courage a tout ceux qui attendent encore leurs propres coccinelles. Je t'aime.

Hey y'all, I know it's been like a year since I've even written anything on this blog, but I'm here right now. But yeah, so right now I'm chilling out, Life is so confusing right now, you don't eben know. Well, I'm actually SO excited right now because God has just shown me what it is that He wants me to do for the next year, so, I'll be going on a mission trip to Somewhere for a year, and then going on to University, because I have so much time, well, I don't know how much time I have, but theoretically, you know. Ijust want to get out of here, you know, I want to go out i nto the world and really make a difference, to touch people's lives, I want to go out there and live for God, to help other people. I will not be content to just sit back and let misery happen while I'm too busy to care about anything but my own life. I will not be content to sit back, and let it happen. Well. I love y'all, and I will check in again, but right now I have to go chill with Nad. Peace out. Mwah. Prayers for you.

Ok yeah so this is my trip to midland, with my art class, we took it on the 29th of may, and let me tell you, 4 hours there and 4 hours back on a school bus aren't too much fun, kinda really really long, but it's ok, I guess if you like that kind of thing. lol K so Picolo, this is for you, I love you and wanted to let you into my life so here we are. lol. So yeah, we went on this trip to go see the beautiful murals that are on the walls, which you see exhibited in some of these pictures. So let's start at the top. firts here we have me standing on he pier, oh yeah, and all these pictures were taken buy this lovely young lady here^ No, not me, miss Jessica Martin. (the red one) lol k so anyway...the next two pics are of a street, the restaurant where we ate, that little fish and chip place, there was this little greek man he was so old and cute, then it's me and nat walking down the street, and then...the next one was this sign that was on our bus, it was like the funniest thing ever! it was Soooo weird. anyhow, next there's my fav mural of this lady doing needlework, then a pic of me doing a silly face, shocker, I know. lol, the next one is this little alleyway thing, it looked really cool so I went in there and did a little dance. My ducky socks, and a pic pf Nat and Jess, and that's my hand, the creepy looking one. and down here at the bottom, we have a pic of me and jess in the restaurant, I surprisingly like this picture of myself. Now there's a real shocker with no sarcasm involved, lol. THere Picolo, now you can't say I never blog, but there are only 9 days of school left so I think this might be the end of your luck cause there isn't much time left to do stuff.So yeah, now I'm just waiting for Cindy to get offline yet again so I can post this, and then I'll see y'all soon, camp starts in 20 days. Moohoohahahahahahahahahahah yeah, I'm done now. k thanks bye. I don't actually mean that, it's just like this weird ritual, I just have to say that at the end of every blog, so here I go.... K thanks Bye

hey you guys, well it is at the urging of my esteemed patron Lady Catherine De Bourgh that I continue my blogging on this site because some people (toby) miss me and want to hear from me. well, first of all, today is S.A.D. day, (Singles Awareness Day) and I'm celebrating it along with thousands of other people. I'm currently wearing an entire pink warbrobe and a hot pink towel draped is draped across my shoulders, oh! did I mention that I have a pink fluffy crown on my head? well, I do. Things have been getting pretty crazy lately, to start off with, I just got out of a prettyserious relationship. , well, not really, it happened a few months ago, but it revently almost started over again. Anyway, right now, I so totally am not interested in guys it's unbelieveable, I never want to see another ever again! except maybe you tobs, you I think I could handle, and maybe Dylan, and Josh, well, what the heck, how about all those guys out there who like me right now and that I have to deal with, those are the ones I don't want to see. I'm not sure what I'm going to do , I don't like him and he likes me, he's younger and I don't want to break his heart, but I don't think of him in that way at all and I'm kind of worried about being too harsh. GAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! Jacks help me! with all that infinate wisdom you have. lol. loopy! You're my lady and I love you. Fendzamalendz, you're amazing and I'll always love you. this is my lunch break right now so you'd better appreciate this tobs. k? k! So anyway, right now I basically have no life, but I'm content with that.
K so other than that things are going well, I don't really have anything bad going on. A lot of my friends do though,
This weekend was amazing, and Blizzard was amazing and I learned a lot, spent my weekend focused on God and not on guys, aka Jordan. It was actually really great. I spent every second of everyworship song of every session in the front of the crowd, right in front of the stage with my similarly amazing lady Jessica, and her sweet lilsis Carly jumping around and worshiping God in the craziest way. I love it. Oh you'll never believe it! all the jumping around and dancing that happened this weekend, Jess and I started it all, we were the first ones to do it and we started it all. Jacks, you know, it would be really cool if you came with us next year, it's a weekend where like 600 youth kids go and we all worship God and have an amazing time. You'd like it it's like you. CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol I love y'all and I hope your lives are going well. You're always in my prayers. Class starts in 10 so I have to go now, but don't really feel like it so.....................I'll just stay here. Gosh I hate being allergic to not-pure metal.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!It's really annoying, I've been wearing that necklace that David gave me for five days now and I'm already rashing. grr.....
K thanks bye, I really do have to go now though. There, now tell me if you find any wisdom in there Tobs, cause I don't think I'm so full of it today.
Mwah! T_T